I have lost the ability to write in my mother tongue. Does that make me an orphan? Does it make me an alien. I don’t really want to go. I actually tear up whenever I think about it. I think I can’t write in Arabic because everything comes out overdramatic and sad. Its why I love the language. Arabic is a sad language. I don’t want to leave. I just couldn’t find reasons to stay. I had nothing to hold on to. Not even a sense of belonging, though I do feel it now that I know it will be gone soon. Egypt has become just an ache in my heart. A scar. I can’t get rid of it and I can’t pretend it never happened. Egypt is something that has happened to me. Like a childhood trauma. I have become suicidal here most of the time. I am sad and lonely. But I cry because I know I’ll carry it all with me. I am sick in the heart. That doesn’t go away when you move. That maybe never goes away.